Hazard! Poison! Don't jump! Cliff is eroding! Girl has life threatening unseen unnoticeable allergies! Wait, what?
Okay, so I don’t come with a neon sign or an instruction manual explaining all my food allergies or that pollen and hay will swell my entire face into an unrecognizable state. Nor do I tell people this the minute I meet them. So needless to say, I probably deserved everything that happened.
The third time Mark and I hung out, he made me an excellent grilled cheese sandwich. Gooey, delicious, cheesy and full of my kind of poison: nuts. About the time I had nearly finished said sandwich, I started to feel a change taking over my body. Warmth and a bit of throat scratchiness was occurring. The last thing I wanted was to appear weak in front of this cute boy. We were discussing youth group students and how much we enjoyed working with youth. Now would be the worst time for something like allergic reaction to occur. I coughed a few times and fervently prayed for nothing bad to happen. The thing was I didn’t know why I was feeling this way, because I didn’t even think to ask if the bread had any nuts in it. I mean, what kind of crazy person puts nuts in bread? Luckily, God spared me in that moment and I didn’t keel over on Mark’s floor. That would have ruined the relationship.
I found out two weeks later, after I confessed to my aversion to nuts, the bread did in fact have almonds, hazelnuts, walnuts, and probably unnamed nuts I never knew existed. Mark was horrified but I assured him I was still living.
The second time was another unforeseen allergy. Actually, I just assumed I wasn’t majorly allergic anymore since my last major attack was twenty years ago and people grow out of these sorts of things, right? We had gone for a beautiful hike overlooking the bay at Point Whitehorn. On our way back, we decided to cut through a small trail, much of it having been overgrown by hay and grass instead of going back on the gravel road, the way we had come. So on we walk, pollen emanating from everywhere, covering every article of clothing and our faces. The grass hit at perfect short people height, a good solid 5 feet. About the time we got out of the grass, I felt a little sniffly but not bad. However, Mark’s face told a different story and soon what he saw manifested in my body. Sneezing, throat scratchy, eyes watering and gooping, the allergy was on. Luckily this time, we were close to my parents house. I ran in, tearing through their cupboards looking for benadryl, meanwhile stripping off all of my clothes and running to the shower to clean every inch of me. Six hours later, after we vacuumed out my car, showered, and washed all of our clothes, bags, and cameras we were carrying, my body finally decided it was done being allergic. Again, Mark felt horrible he caused such a reaction by his decision. But I kept a smile and was thankful for a chill night watching Hercules.
But nothing quite compares to the subtleties of the kiss of death. I’m also allergic to red meat when it isn’t cooked all the way. In other words, no medium rare for this girl! Mark knows this, respects this, and works hard to make sure all meat is properly cooked. However, as most people do, he likes his steak medium rare. So the same weekend as the hike of death, when my body was still sensitive to all things, we made steak for us and our parents. Mine was delicious and allergen free but a few hours later, I got a welt on my lip. What the heck? How? But eventually it went away and I was fine. However, the next day as Mark heated up his steak and we sat there talking we both looked up at the same time realizing that after he had eaten his steak the day before, he kissed me, just briefly. But in that brief moment, that was enough to pass along his allergen on to me. Again, horror overtook my husband and he apologized for almost killing me for the third time.
As I’ve looked back over these three incidents, I realize there is a cost to marriage. Now understand this, not only do I love my husband, I love being married to him. I love hanging out with him, we have a ton of fun, and it really is the best. But there is also a cost God has been teaching me. Being married means giving up things. Being married means abandoning self for the greater sense of team. It means I cannot just decide that I’m going to go do something or make some life changing decision without informing, asking, or consulting my teammate. I love being on Mark’s team but remembering that the team member needs to have a say in my day can be hard.
Mark and I have been living on our own, independent save our parents, for a long time. How many shows I did a year, how many cameras Mark bought a year was of no consequence to anyone but ourselves for a long time. Now how I spend my time or Mark spends his resources affects the other person positively or negatively.
I realize we’ve only been married for two months at this point, but the biggest thing I’m learning and trying to get better at is realizing and remembering my day to day choices affect Mark. They can either affirm him as my partner or they can tear us apart. I want him to have a voice in my day and I want to have a voice in his. It’s not always easy. Just as he didn’t know he almost killed me by giving me death bread, there are times I don’t realize my decision or my omittance of a certain detail of my plans, hurts him or undermines his importance in my life. That’s not team. That’s choosing to live outside of team. That is selfishness.
I’m not saying that I can’t do anything without my husband’s approval. He doesn’t hold an iron fist over me and dictate my day by any means. But I also cannot disrespect that he should know what my plans are and vice versa.
This also shows me just how much God wants that type of relationship with me as well. If I go throughout my day thinking only of myself and not giving God a chance to intervene, he’s going to intervene in my day whether I like it or not. But I want to give God first dibs. He has first control over how I spend my time. Being married has shown me in such a greater detail who God is and how he wants to operate in our lives. He’s the first. He wants conversation, he wants us to talk to him and check in with him on our day to day decisions. The things we choose to do that are not God honoring undermine him and his authority in our lives. If I made all my plans without considering Mark, he would be deeply hurt. I believe it’s the same way with God. When we don’t let him get a say, he’s hurt by it. He wants that relationship and the only way we can grow in that is to pursue him. Not pursue a to-do list but just pursue God, the amazing creator and Father that he is.
I love my husband. He is a great man of God who deserves my respect, my love, and my honesty. But I love God even more. He’s the one who deserves my respect, love, my honesty, and my adoration. There’s a cost to marriage. There’s a cost in independence. But just like with my faith, giving up that so called independence brings about a greater sense of freedom. I have a partner who’s with me. But I have a Heavenly Father who’s got me. That’s worth any cost in my book.
Photo Cred: Joe and Patience
